Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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