yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
