I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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