Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
