You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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