from now on my penis is your penis
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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