you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
