Do you still have your period?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
