I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
