Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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