Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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