shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
