you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.