You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.