You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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