ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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