Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
