Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
