First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
