Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
