Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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