i don't like sucking hair
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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