it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Two words: blizzard sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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