Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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