She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
