I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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