as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
