Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
