I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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