Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
