Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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