She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
