I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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