I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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