just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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