i think my tv is drunk
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
