I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
