My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize