I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
either way he was missing a nipple.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
