remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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