just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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