I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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