My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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