whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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