I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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