You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
