Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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