The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
