Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
