Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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