Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
