every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My cat gives me a boner
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
