In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
