she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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