Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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