dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
