I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
