My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
