you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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