WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
