Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
